Marriage CAN and it DOES! You would be correct according to a Professor of Psychiatry in Canada!

Now I don’t want to preach to the converted here, just report what the Prof’s findings are…

Having a healthy mindset after being separated or divorced is one of the reasons I have dedicated the second part of my book to this issue. From it's title "The Separated Woman's Guide to a Bright Future" lets you know where the focus of the books points towards. It also addresses all the issues mentioned in this article.

What leads to being separated or divorced, from a psychological perspective?

The Prof is not meaning in the sense of a catch cry of (you, this relationship, the kids, it, etc,) drive me crazy” what he is saying is, if a person is pre-disposed to mental illness then it can rear it’s ugly head because of the stresses in marriage and in life in general.

Let’s face it we live in stressful times at the moment with the reported state of affairs all over the globe.

Apparently we are also less tolerant of each other too which contributes to the escalating number of people becoming separated or divorced worldwide.

Psychologically, the Prof reports it is virtual impossible for two people to live in complete harmony until death us do part, nothing new here, I'm sure we both agree with him on this point!

He goes on to say that conflict results in having differing personality types and traits, which leads to a variety of emotions which is where there can be a complete mismatch and zero tolerance.

This then leads to unhappy marriages, drug and alcohol abuse, physical illnesses and in some cases even suicide.

So we move on to being separated or divorced to relieve the stress, which, if you have separated from a long term relationship (who hasn’t?) can lead to lots MORE stress that also complicate issues of mental illness even further!

There is evidence from researchers that being separated or divorced have higher rates of mental disorders than people who are married.

Neglected children fair worse mentally among separated or divorced parents, twice as much according to the Prof.

Children that are a part of a happy family through a happily married Mum and Dad fair much better academically and socially.

So are we better off to stay single rather than risking being separated or divorced?

Not necessarily, and it appears that there is no correct answer to his question, rather that is far too complex for a clear answer.

This has to do with the “right age” to marry. For women this ranges from 18-22 years and for men 25-28 years.

“Right age” in the sense of fertility time frame for both sexes. It’s reported that after 40 women are more susceptible on the whole to psychological problems, depression in particular leading to emotional and social complications.

Men don’t escape psychologically either, masking depression and men can turn to substance abuse too.

Yes marriage can be stressful, however, if both partners are compatible in their values and personality attributes this benefits the marriage greatly as a bond is formed protecting the couple from negative psychological issues.

The flip side of this is the couple who are incompatible whether through personality incompatibility or environmental issues, The Prof concurs incompatibility can and will lead to psychological disorders.

Being single doesn’t guarantee immunity either…

Can we avoid becoming separated or divorced?

The simple answer is yes.

There are many options the safe option being, address any personality issues, learn how to increase tolerance and I hasten to add, compromise, also identify and focus on your good personality traits and continue to improve them.

The Prof then recommends that doing so will enable people to marry, so they can then live “happily ever after”!

What do you think? Is this possible or just a fairytale?

Divorce is difficult for the partners involved, especially if the marriage stemmed from a long relationship and if both have exhausted all means to save it. Did I do the right thing? Is it really over? Will I found someone else? Can I cope on my own? These are just some of the questions that women will likely ask.

It is human nature that females are more emotionally inclined than their male counterpart. After the divorce, it is only natural for them to experience negative feelings such as pain, loneliness, and in some cases, anger or revenge.

Don’t’s after Separation & Divorce

The marriage or relationship is over, accept it and move on. It is a dreadful experience but try not to feel guilty or down. A failed marriage doesn’t necessarily mean that you are a failure as a whole. Don’t feel lonely and if you do think about what you can do to stop those feeling of loneliness. Perhaps you can re-connect with some long lost friends or join a group that is positive and uplifting.

If the divorce is due to physical or mental abuse or infidelity, it is not a healthy relationship and not worth feeling lonely about. You are worth more than that and congratulate yourself for taking the steps to break free. Most importantly, do not dwell in the past as it will only make it harder. This is a problem many women experience. It is difficult not to think of past happy-painful memories.

Do’s after Separation & Divorce

Treat the separation as a learning experience and have a positive outlook to it. To prevent thinking about your separation, get busy find an interest; perhaps there is something you have always wanted to try out?

You can be busy with work, go out with friends, and socialise. What I don’t mean here is be so busy that you stuff down and suppress how you feel, girlfriend are always great to sit and talk to when it comes to about relationships. I’m merely suggesting that you don’t sit around moping, there is a world going on, so go out and get amongst it, be a part of it! You’ll feel great for it too.

Some of the people that you know may behave differently towards you, don’t worry they are just adjusting to your new situation.

Freedom after Separation & Divorce

One great thing many women forget about being separated or divorced is that they are single again!

There are numerous benefits of being single. The best thing is freedom – freedom to do anything, anywhere, anytime (with moral and legal boundaries or course!). Being single means freedom for yourself and all to yourself.

Finally, the best thing to do is have fun responsibly:

-        Satisfy your financial desires, you are no longer monetary obliged to a partner after you have divorced

-        Have fun with your space, do whatever you want with your place

-        Enjoy the company of friends, both old and new

-        Rediscover your inner-self, it is time to appreciate the beauty of who you are

Whether you agree with Billy’s religious views or not his statement about watching less T.V. is a good one. One of our biggest time wasters is T.V.

Would you like to have the time to do more and achieve more in your life? Then cut down the amount of time you spend watching other people living their lives. When you think about it that’s what the majority of people generally do when they watch the Telly. They watch other people having a life whether it’s a drama, reality show or quiz type of shows. Of course T.V. can be a valuable resource for programs such as documentaries and educational shows for the kids, so I’m not saying the T.V. needs to go completely, although I do know a few people who don’t watch T.V. at all or very rarely.

So…How much time do you spend watching T.V.? Really take notice during the next week and log the time if you have to, note it down every day. You may find that it’s as much as 6 hours per day, a couple of hours in the morning and 3-4 hours at night. You could spend one of those hours in the morning exercising and be healthier and fitter within a few weeks.

Now that you are separated or divorced and have time to yourself and are building a new life, a great way to motivate yourself is to identify what you would like to do with your time instead of watching T.V.. Would you like to go to the movies more regularly, learn to dance, spend more time with friends or your children? This is an exercise that you can do in your Exploration Journal which you can download your complimentary copy here when you purchase the book here so half of your work is already done!

Map the information across and take any action where necessary because as you know, nothing happens in life without action!

Share some of your findings in the forums or leave a comment below, what did you identify for yourself and what type of activities have you explored and participated in?

Fear is a funny thing as it can either stop us in our tracks (to separate or not to separate) or spur us on to bigger and greater things that we want to achieve in life. It can also help protect us too.

When we fear a thing but know that we simply have to or must do that thing then we rely on courage to push us ahead, to take the next steps in moving close to that thing we want. Sometimes we just have to bite the bullet, take a deep breath and move ahead.

One way to overcome fear is to imagine the whole scenario taking place exactly the way you want to, as if you are watching a movie. In fact you already know how to do this anyway or you wouldn’t have the fear in the 1st place.

Did you know that you’ve already run the movie a certain way that's why you are feeling a little scared! So back up a few paces and take control of your thoughts and play out the movie with the outcome you want to happen.

It could be that you have an important job interview coming up and you are fearful of being interviewed, put under the spotlight so to speak. Run the whole scenario through your mind from waking in the morning getting ready for the interview, traveling to the interview, entering the building where the interview will take place and even perhaps sitting in the reception area waiting to go in.

See yourself walking into the interview and notice how calm you are feeling and your concise and accurate answers to the questions the interviewer asks you. See yourself asking questions, winding up the interview and walking from the room feeling great, knowing that you gave it your best shot and how confident you feel that you will get the job.

You could even take it a step further and see yourself answering your phone with the caller letting you know the exciting news that you got the job!

Run this little exercise every morning just after you wake and every night just before you sleep. When you focus on what you do want and not on what you don’t want, what happens? Remember, whatever you focus on manifests in your life.

Fear? What fear?

What does effective Communication mean to you?

I don't know about you but there have been times in my relationships when what I am saying (or what I THINK I am saying) isn't being understood by my partner! I'll say one thing and he will think I meant something totally unrelated! It can be frustrating sometimes!

When commuicate we do so on many levels.

There is verbal communication which only makes up 7% of the total amount in the communication pie. I was surprised when I learnt this, as being an extravert a tend to talk alot!

Other forms of communication include audio or hearing, tonality in our voice and of course the old favourite body lanugage or physiology.

Is tis Effective Communication?

When we communicate there is alot more going on than mere words. Listening, as we have discussed, is also going on, or at least you would hope it is! (Although I'd questions that if there are any kind of sport on the T.V.!) The expression on the person face, the tone of their voice the way they are sitting or standing as you can see there are many ways we communicate.

What determines our style of Effective Communication?

When we hear a statement or have questions directed at us, we filter the meaning of the words and message according to our values, or what is important to us. This is why clear effective communication works wonders. Say what you mean and mean what you say, with no room for mixed messages or assumptions.

Sometimes when we communicate with someone else we assume the other person knows we are on the same track, that they are privy to our thoughts or our meanings that we are trying to convey. This is not always the case and I am sure you can think of an instance where you have been either the giver or receiver of mixed communication.

When communicating it works wonders if you are concise, clear in your meaning with no room for confusion or ambiguity. This can be applied to all areas of your life when communicating with others, with your children, your girlfriends, work colleagues or former partner.

This is especially effective when you are negotiating and when you are separating and divorcing there are a tremedous amounts of time spent negotiating. Negotiating property and pesonal effects, visitation rights, appointments, weekend visits, rosters and no doubt you will have your own list that adds to this.

Remember that saying when you assume the other person knows what you are saying or knows what you mean then you make an ass-out of-u-and-me.

Alan Alda sums this up beautifully,

“Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won't come in.”

Can you really get an online divorce? 

Well not quite but you can file for an online divorce through various sites and pay for it on your credit card! The reason this has been made available is to help those people who are self representing (around 85% of applicants) improve their access to justice.

The online divorce site still recommends that legal advice is sought and there is a step by step online divorce guide that helps you through the process. There are also provisions on the online divorce sites to select a hearing date too.

It has been reported that the cost of applying for a online divorce is just AUD$432, a considerable do-it-yourself saving!

The online divorce site does not provide any area for property settlement or other family court matters, they are totally separate issues.

Cutting right to the chase and applying for a divorce online impedes any chance of saving a marriage and family unit with no need for counselling or consultation with family law lawyers.

Although couples don’t realise one day out of the blue they want a divorce, apply online and thank you very much I’m now divorced. Much thought, many experiences and processes take place before the final decision is made.

In The Separated Woman's Guide you will read about various approaches to separation and divorce. The initial section explores whether you actually do want to separate from your partner. You can answer questions to find out if it is this path you really want to choose. If your answer is an overwhelming "yes" then the step-by-step guide is easy to follow, easy to reference when you need to and can be a constant companion to support you through the process.

Anyway, back to online divorce process, does it appear that divorcing has now been made much simpler and will it encourage more couples to divorce?

What do you think? Feel free to leave your comments below.

Annette Jones

So you have made your decision, have your list of goals and it’s now some time has passed? Are you still on track?

Are you still as passionate about having those things in your life?

Are you still as passionate about taking the action that you know you have to take daily to move towards those goals?

Many people make weight loss a goal, for example, as I did when I separated.

Sometimes it’s not as easy as we first thought, e.g. getting out of bed during winter at 5/6 am in the morning can put you to the test can’t it? I’m sure you have an experience where you may have given up and thought ah well there is always next time. Or for you was it just a natural progression of doing a little less every day until no action was taking place at all?

Developing self discipline is the key.

“Do what you have to do, when you have to do it, whether you like it or not”

I don’t particularly like the word “discipline” as it conjures up rules, regulations and strict time limits in my mind. I prefer the word “Freedom” which then motivates me to have “Discipline”. Let me explain…

 
We can help ourselves out when it comes to achieving a goal we want, but sometimes dislike the discipline that comes with it. Of course there is that great question “Is your Why strong enough?” But sometimes that isn’t enough…

But!
We can stack the deck…

What do I mean by that?

OK so you have made a goal of wanting to lose a dress size, loose a couple of Kg’s, body fat or whatever it is for you.

You are eating healthy foods but it’s the getting up and going for a walk or doing some form of exercise that needs the discipline.

And we all know that exercise benefits us in so many ways.

The night before decide what you will wear, leave them where you can see them when you wake up and have your socks and runners there too, together with your ipod if you like. Decide on the time you will wake and set an alarm if you have to.

Just before you drop off to sleep imagine getting out of bed as soon as you wake or the alarm wakes you, putting your clothes and runners on, plugging your ipod in, walking to the front door and opening it and then you’re off!. Do this twice more.

Do this every night for 21 nights running (pardon the pun!) and you have created a new habit!

How can you use this process in other areas of your life?

Have you done this process before and it has worked for you?

Share a comment below too, it just might help somebody else!

Earlier this week a dear friend wrote on her FB wall “Can’t beat good friends can you?” Many of hers agreed wholeheartedly…

…there’s nothing like em, I wrote…

…and then

On Thursday evening we decided to go to our local Indian restaurant for dinner and as we chose our table outside on the pavement I heard someone call my name. Instantly I knew who it was…a girlfriend I have been out of contact with for quite some time. She and her husband and children were holidaying just few hundred meters from where I live!

Jodie lives in North Qld where we met 25 (or so) years ago and it had been 6 years since we had seen or spoken to one another. Like a true friendship we picked up where we left off and in between eating our meals managed to catch up on each others children and family and friends news. The following day Jodie and her family joined us for a BBQ that we had planned where we continued to catch up and reminisce about the times BC (before children!). After swapping phone numbers and email addresses, I have no doubt we’ll keep in contact this time around.

From these happenings this week I’ve been pondering friendships and what they mean to me. I am very fortunate to have some very dear and close friends that I have known for over 20 years, some of which will be reading this blog! We have laughed together, cried together and enjoyed and celebrated life together! They have been there for me through separation and divorce.

Girlfriend’s friendships are a truly unique relationship, we are not related so we are not sisters in that sense and we are not in a partnership, we are “friends”. We support each other and are there to share each others ups and downs and challenges. We are great at listening to each other and know exactly what the other means and how the other feels in most situations and regarding most issues. We really are blessed to have friendships…they are like no other relationship in our lives.

Very grateful for your friendships girls, thank you!

When have you bumped into an old friend and what happened?

Share your comments about your friendships…

W.L. Bateman

I love that quote and it always pops into my head when I am repeating the same patterns in my life and getting the same (negative) result.

One great thing is that my sub conscious is at work and starts waving the flag furiously to warn me. The next step of course is to actually DO something about it.

Do you have an area in your life that doesn’t seem to change and stays the same? i.e. separation? Sit with that for a while and see what comes up for you. It could be something small like setting the same goal and not quite reaching or it could be quite large like you end up in a job that never quite satisfy your needs.

Here’s are 8 tips on How to achieve a different outcome…

1. Identify what it is that you would like to be different
2. Think about how you would like it to be
3. Work backwards and chunk it into little bite size pieces (step by step) until you get to where you are now
4. Moving forward follow the steps everyday
5. Visualise your outcome (what you want) for a few minutes in the morning and night. Throw it up on the big screen and run your visualization just like you are watching a movie…your movie
6. Reach your outcome. How will you know when you get there? What will be happening around you?
7. Celebrate and have fun with this!
8. Repeat as often as necessary as you move through your life and into a Brighter Future!